and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
