Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
