Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
