if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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