I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
