i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
