a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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