i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
