I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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