I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
