I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
