I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
and you fell through a lawn chair
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
