take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
