pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
