I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
