you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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