I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think my vagina is haunted
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
