after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
