I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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