True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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