spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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