Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
