6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
