Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
