Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
