i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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