So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
