Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
