i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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