Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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