I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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