Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
