After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
