He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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