my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
