Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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