11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
