i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
