theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
