So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
