kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize