I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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