Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize