the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
