Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
