Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
my liver is dry heaving
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
