I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize