This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
