I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
