Your face is a jimmy john
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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