she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
