Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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