those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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