i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
