We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
