You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
