Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
