I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
