sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
