I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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